What is your earliest childhood memory? I can remember things back to about the age of 3, not many things but I do remember a few. For instance, I can remember sharing a room with my parents in my own little bed and then being moved to share with my sisters. I can remember being told I was going to become an Aunt and thinking that meant I was going to turn into an "ant". LL is turning 4 in a few months, and I wonder, what will he remember?
The other day, he asked me if I was going to be "mean Mommy" or "nice Mommy" that day. It broke my heart. In all fairness, I had been struggling with my patience the day before. Leonard was traveling for work and we were going on 2 weeks by ourselves, I was tired and I was frazzled. That one little question, however, shattered my world. I was crushed. This boy is my everything, and I hated that he was asking which Mommy he was going to have that day. At his age, kids don't lie. They speak their mind, so that was his honest and true feelings. I had failed him that day.
Every person on the face of this planet has issues stemming from their childhood. Not one of us escapes. I realize that I will in some way screw up my kid, and there will be things that when he has his own family, he will turn to his wife and say, "I don't want to do things like my Mom or Dad did". Heaven knows I have more than my fair share. That doesn't mean though that I have to just concede that to be fact, I can fight my hardest to do as little damage as possible.
While that question hurt my feelings in a way I have never hurt before, I am glad he asked the question. It changed me. I have tried very hard since then not to yell. To speak softer. To hug more and spank less. We are just talking things out for now. I don't know what he'll remember, but I want him to remember me as someone who is far from perfect but worked very hard at being a better person for HIM. My kids mean everything to me. I have nothing if they are not happy. I realize it may not even be that big a deal to him, it may have been a 3 year old just asking a question but, just what if, that is what he remembers of me? It's best if I just try to be a better Mommy, don't you think?
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3 comments:
For me, it's the good times that stick out the most . . . and I suspect that's how it will be for your boys as well.
In the words of a friend: Bad moms don't worry about being bad moms; only good moms do that.
Well...I can empathize with you since A.) All your BFF's incl. your mom, sistas, & hubs was NOT there at all during the same exact time period! Of course you would feel edgy without any real physical support other than yourself!
As for their memories...THEY REMEMBER. TRUST ME. I was a yeller & wench & to this day, NONE of 'em except David, fails to REMIND me regularly that they were scared of me & when something enrages me, they tell me to STOP. It brings back too many bad memories.
I know we're all human & anyone who knows me now wouldn't even beleice that I had a mad bone in my body, but people change ONLY when they feel the need to change. So for what it's worth, these little moments are teaching ones. Learn, Live, & Love. Ok, off the soap box now. Have a GREAT week!
OH Liz....This is so sweet. I feel you in this one. What sucks the most is that sometimes the things that stick to our memories the most are the traumatic stuff or stuff that shocks us. Not the things that make us happy. I admire you for stopping to think about it and making a change. You're such a good mom.
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