5 Years Later

It's been 5 years today.

I miss you terribly, Dad. Again, all I can say is that you've missed so much. Last time when I was pregnant with LL I cried so much from missing you, I feel the same ache this year as I am expecting again. I know where ever you are, that you know what is happening with us, that you know you are about to have your 3rd great-grandchild, and your 29th grandchild, but it doesn't take away the fact that I WISH you could hold my children...

"Princess" "Manny"

This weekend we have been busy...as always. As always, LL has cracked us up the whole time. Friday night, Leonard was given these AWESOME tickets for the Dodger game. We LOVE going to the games...especially if you are sitting down in front, so close that the players seem to be just right there. Leonard had gone to get our Dodger dogs and I was sitting there talking with my Mother-in-law not paying too much attention when LL jumps out of his chair, throws his little finger out in front of him, and yells, "Mommy it's Manny"...as in Manny Ramirez, #99 of the Dodgers. I look down, not seeing Manny anywhere I begin to tell him, 'no it's someone else' when I notice Manny Ramirez warming up on deck. He was totally right. The man across the aisle even asked in disbelief, "Did he just say it's Manny?". Yup, that's right, my 2 year old knows who his Dodgers are.

Then on Saturday we joined Leonard at Relay for Life. As a part of management for his company he had to participate in this little contest of men dressed as '50's style prom queens. As HR dressed Leonard in a pink poodle skirt and scarf my son watched on with this little confused look on his face before determining, "Mommy, Daddy's a princess". Unanimous laughter erupted from all of Daddy's co-workers as everyone had heard.

It was fun. I loved the Relay and hope we get to do it again year after year. It's a great energy at events like these and they are great opportunities to teach your children to get involved.

Growing and growing

When LL was first born, I used to be so amazed as each couple of weeks I would realize I somehow, miraculously managed to love him more and more. It got to the point where I could almost physically feel it happening inside of me, it just felt as though my heart was exploding. That feeling has long passed and I assumed I just loved him more than was humanly possible already and now we just get to enjoy watching his amazing growth and transformation into a young little man.

Then we hit the terrible two's and I kept hearing about the horrible three's and I realized life isn't always like those blissful early days of his life and some days I could seriously lock myself in the bathroom for a little "time out". LL being our first, I can already safely say, I've made tons of mistakes. Initially when we began disciplining I would just spank his little hand and that was enough. He quickly became immune to that and it just progressed into bigger spankings on his bottom. I didn't like that. I felt horrible about it and I began to see him hitting in return. I felt as though all I was doing was reinforcing that violence and hitting was okay and condoned in our home which just isn't the case.

So I decided to switch to using time-outs. That wasn't the answer either. Yes it works to an extent, it is a punishment and he doesn't like it but he doesn't learn anything from it. Then the other night I was really thinking about what is the best thing for him and I started reading my toddler books again and without finding an actual answer I did manage to find my own answer. I just decided to kill him with kindness, so to speak. I thought if I just stay totally calm, speak to him kindly, without anger in tone or voice maybe that would make more of an impact. He always like to be praised and he generally likes to please us, except for when he's feeling mischievous, I thought it was worth a shot.

The past few days have been so harmonious, and so enjoyable I've fallen in love just a little bit more again today. I felt my heart grow as I put him into his car seat after leaving the dry cleaners. Each time I place him in his car seat I always kiss him, but today I just had to smother him to death. I had to. As I smothered his little face all over with lots and lots of kisses he enjoyed it, and was giggling. When I finished he tells me, "Mas, Mommy" (which means 'more, mommy'). So again, I got to smother him and I loved it.

Then I found myself just staring at him as he played and realized I love this little guy more than anything in this whole world because without him, I would have no world and no life. It isn't always enjoyable or easy. I am not naturally equipped with tons of control or lots of patience, it is something I struggle to better develop each waking moment of every day but he's worth the effort.

Thanks LL for letting me love you...

Can you say OCD?

Both Leonard and I are OCD in our own ways. So it should not come as a surprise to me that LL is becoming totally obsessive as well. I'm all about the routine, I stick to it religiously. That has its drawbacks though, because LL is very decided on how things should be and there is no deviating from the path...not even a little bit.

Each morning, we cuddle in bed while he drinks his milk and I HAVE to sit with him. I don't mind, I relish our mornings - except for Saturday's and Sunday's when Daddy's home, then Momma has got to go. Then once we get up on the days we go to the gym, he's ready for that, but the days we're doing other things, he has to get out his "guitar" and sing (in reality it's a ukulele his Aunt Irene gave him but he loves it).

Each night, we brush our teeth and say prayers and then I turn on his music (its a classical CD), put on his night light and start his fan. Lately I've noticed however, is that at nap time he has to follow the bed time routine because that's just what we do. It makes total sense to him, it's craziness to me. Even more compulsive though, is that he HAS to have his green pacifier to sleep and "his" 2 blankets placed in a specific order - he must have his blue blanket Aunt Ana made him first, followed by his comforter. He recently changed out his yellow blanket a girlfriend had made when he was born for the comforter, without warning or reason, we just can't use it anymore. If you put the blankets in the wrong order, forget the light or heaven for bid, use a blue pacifier he just gets so upset. It's like the end of the world.

When he plays with his cars and trucks he has to line them up or park them perfectly aligned as they would be in a parking lot along the entire length of the couch. Everything has its order, everything has its place...we've created a monster.

"It's my pocket"

Today, LL is coloring nicely on the couch, we were killing time before his nap, when I see him bending over and fidgeting with the front of his underwear. I watch for a second before I ask him what he's doing...His response?

"I put my crayon in my pocket"

He had shoved a crayon into the front flap of his underwear where I could see it half sticking out. I laughed so hard, I could barely tell him it was a great place to store his crayons.

The Beat Goes On...

Yesterday was my prenatal appointment. I was super excited for this month's appointment because I was going to hear the most beautiful music in the world...the heartbeat of my precious little bun. Well excitement quickly faded into full blown fear when the doctor could not find a heartbeat.

She searched and searched, and as the minutes ticked by I could see the change in her face. She too was becoming concerned. Then she said, 'Let's go into the other room, I want to do an ultrasound.' Fear. 'Should I be concerned?' I asked. Her response, 'I don't know yet'. More fear. As I followed her into the ultrasound room, I quickly reminded myself that no matter what happened in the next few minutes, I could handle it. I felt as though all my unnatural fears and worries with this pregnancy suddenly had merit. Fortunately, she quickly located the baby on the ultrasound and even better, she found its heart beating. WHEW!

As I gratefully thanked my Heavenly Father for this little baby's life, I watched it wake up on the screen and stretch out its little limbs. I was so amazed at how developed it is and how I could make out the outline of its facial features. So I never got to actually hear its little heart beating but I got to see it, and if you ask me, that's better. The doctor assured me that sometimes that happens when they're still so small and that is not an indicator of any fetal problems. Thank goodness.

I have to admit I am a little concerned because that little thing wiggled and turned about a lot for such a tiny person...I really hope I don't get another one like LL - running around on high octane always with a full tank . I would love it if this one was a little tamer but I'll love it even more if its healthy.

Busted

Often when Leonard takes Little Leonard out with him on Saturday's to run errands, which includes, dropping off the dry cleaning, getting haircuts, and going to the car wash; LL comes home to report all about the ice creams or "hunnypots" (aka lollipops) Daddy has bought him while out on their adventures. Each time I laugh because Leonard is squirming at the fact that his 2 year old son has just rat him out and each time I get to tell him "Busted!"

Well this morning we had a doctor's appointment to get a couple of shots. As we were waiting for the doctor I explained to LL what was going to happen today. Naturally he was nervous and wanted to leave, so I ignorantly promised him a treat from McDonald's following our visit. Well, the doctor comes in and what does Leo tell her...'Mommy, McDonald's Leonard treat.' Translation: "Mommy is taking Leonard to McDonald's for a treat". Unfortunately, the doctor did not need a translation and understood perfectly what was being said. She expressed her concern about him having too much junk food - she really discourages all fast foods and juices as any good doctor should - and all I heard was, "Busted"!

The boy ratted me out and honestly, I still find it funny.

Maternity Clothes?

No Way! I refuse to use maternity clothes this early on into my pregnancy. However, I must admit in the past few days, the idea is becoming more intriguing. I am just beginning that awkward in-between stage when you just look fat. After having recently lost 25 lbs. I found the idea of people thinking I'm just gaining back the weight mildly repulsive, so I finally made the official "Facebook" announcement.

I was so nervous in the beginning of this pregnancy, afraid that it wouldn't last or that somehow I had misread the 4 pregnancy tests that I had taken. I was reluctant to spill the beans only because I was reluctant to believe I was actually pregnant. I kept saying, 'not until I hear the heartbeat', which as of yet, has not happened yet (but I will finally hear on Wednesday), but the pooch that is inevitably protruding is forcing the reality of this pregnancy to finally sink in.

I just think it is WAY too early for this tiny little thing to be rearing its ugly little head. I know, everyone has told me the second pregnancy shows much earlier, I get that, but understanding and accepting is two totally separate things.

So I will continue to be squished into jeans that are too tight and completely ignore the maternity clothes I received for Mother's Day that I already secretly tried on and feel like heaven. I'll give it another month before I cave.

The Auction

Yesterday, Leonard was invited through his company to an auction and wine tasting at Cal Poly Pomona. Obviously, I wasn't going to be doing any wine tasting but I could taste all the food. They had soooooooooo many vendors there and I was in HEAVEN! There was sushi restaurants, cupcakes, PF Chang's, Lucille's, Panda Inn, Roy's Hawaiian Fusion, The Melting Pot, Mimi's...so many to choose from. I was a food slut and I loved every bite of it. I had baggies in my purse in case I had to puke, which thankfully I didn't. How embarrassing would it have been to puke in front of Leonard's boss and his wife?

The funnest part of it all though, was the auction. I have never been to a true auction, with an auctioneer and everything. It was fun. It's mesmerizing watching rich people throw away their money. Man, how the other half lives...I tell ya. They also had a silent auction which we tried to bid on a fun night out, but we were past up. That's okay though, the experience was great. I can't wait for next year.