Juan F. Badal, II

I miss you Dad.

Man, I love that kid...

It amazes me sometimes how much you can love your kids. It's unfathomable that it is possible to love someone THAT much. It's not for any real reason, it's not like he's done anything super special to set him apart from other kids...it's just that he is mine. I love him for who he is, for all the areas where he does excel and for all the areas where he could stand to improve. He makes me so happy. It's the simple day-to-day, every day mundane details that I enjoy the most.

I love being able to take him outside every day for our walk or bike rides. I love being able to teach him how to love and enjoy reading books. I love hearing him ask for a drink, when he says "agua" - it is just the cutest thing I've ever heard. I love singing songs with him, and watching him trying to do all the little hand gestures with me. I love that when we count to 3 now that he uses his fingers to count along. I love his fearlessness. I love watching him grow. I love that such a short time can pass and make such a big difference with his maturity. I love being his Momma and if he's the only one I ever get, I would be happy.

Torn

I am so torn up about what to do with the whole pacifier thing. I feel really bad doing this to Leo. I feel so bad that I just want to give it back to him. The worst is when he asks for it during the day while he is playing, that is when my little heart breaks for him.

He's adjusted just fine to sleeping with out his pacifier; car rides are still difficult. Car rides I expected to be the difficult transition however, so therefore, I think I am able to work through that better. I already have a plan in place to deal with that....distraction. It works great on him. I just point out a truck driving by and all is forgotten.

But when we are home however, and he is playing, and asks for his bink that is when he gets me and distracting him no longer works. I just feel horrible. He cries and he begs and he tries to dig in my pockets and purse to find it because he knows that is where I hide them.

Oh, my little guy. A part of me wants to cave and give it back to him, but then I think about how far we've come already. Maybe I can find a happy medium somewhere.

I'm spoiled...

My husband takes good care of me...what can I say. Tonight I got a new laptop. Yea! I love him for taking such great care of me.

Remembering Dad

The anniversary of my Dad's death, is not actually for another week. But it was 4 years ago today that he had his stroke. It is today, that I feel as though I lost him. It is today, that I sit and watch the clock and remember with perfect clarity all that transpired.

I used to be so angry...angry that he stopped taking his medication because he thought he could cure himself. I was so angry that it was me who had to find him in that condition. I was angry that I carried around so much guilt because I couldn't save him. Lastly, I was so angry about all that he was going to miss.

I'm not so angry anymore. I just ache for him, and sadly, that isn't even what it used to be. They say that time heals all wounds, and it does. I have even been able to look back now, and I can't say that I'm grateful for the experience, because I'm just not there yet, but, I am, however, in understanding of it. I have finally been able to reflect upon it enough, and digest all the pieces that from that experience I have begun to learn. I can accept the fact now, that I couldn't save him...it was never meant to be. I can also forgive myself for not having been there earlier for him and take solace in the fact that I was there for him when he needed me.

Mostly now, I am just left with sadness. I am sad that he never saw me truly well. He only saw me struggling. He never got to see me become a mother, and never got to see my son. I look at Leo when he plays with my Mom and I thank God everyday that at least he has her. She makes up for the both of them. It doesn't change the fact that I still wish he could be here. He has missed so much...births, weddings, and graduations, the list goes on.

I do realize the separation is temporary. I know I'll see him again, and I look forward to that day. I look forward to the day when I can tell him how sorry I am for all that I made him suffer. As a parent, I am only beginning to understand what I put him through. But for now, and for years to come, I will miss him...and today, I will always remember him.

Tattoo Update

Just went for treatment #9 today. Yuck.

I uploaded a few pictures to show you what it looks like after a treatment. In case you were wondering.

Our 5-Day Forecast = Grim

I do not look forward to the next couple of days. I've decided that the almighty pacifier must go! I originally planned to take the bottle first, for the sole reason of my being afraid to take the pacifier away. Sadly, however, my child has forced me to take alternative action.

He has begun eating his binky. Literally. He is chewing them up. He slides them to the side of his mouth and just grinds on them. It's so bizarre. So, because I am afraid of his ingesting pieces of plastic...I've decided to take the binky away. I guess, more accurately, I should say, I am letting him grind each one up, one at a time, and when they are gone...they are gone.

Aaaah! It's my #2 fear to take that thing away. #1 being of course to potty train. So, car rides and nap time, and nursery and that hour before nap/bed time...are going to be beastly. I feel as though I am in mourning. Needless to say, the bottle has been given a pardon. It gets to stay for now, and its departure date is yet to be determined.

Writer's Block

Uuuuggghhh....I am at a complete void. I have my Activity Day girls coming over tomorrow and I feel as though I don't know what in the world to do with them. I have lots of great ideas of things to do that would be fun, but none of them apply. It seems as though, the last 5 times I've had it, they've either been fun days or were working on "Developing Talents". Well I am all out of ideas for fun days and all out of ideas for "Developing Talents". I want another topic.


For those who read my blog who don't know what Activity Days are, this is what it is: For all girls in our Sunday school (which we call Primary) between the ages of 8-12 we gather them together every other week and do different activities. We alternate between "fun days" where no description is really necessary as it is just that...we do something fun, without any particular focus. Other times, we get together and have small lessons, or projects, or events that pertain to a number of areas, including 'Developing Talents'. The whole idea of this program is to further prepare the girls for challenges they will face as teens and adulthood. The program teaches all sorts of topics, including how to use a budget, humanitarian projects, being in the service of others, etc.

So anyway, I have my girls tomorrow, and I haven't the slightest idea what to do. All my good ideas, I already used for Fun Days or they don't apply to our topic or I've already done something I could have used this time, the last time I had them. I'm running out of time and I feel like I'm facing a brick wall.

Family Dynamics

I have come to learn that with any family, whether large or small, there is always a dynamic. Different personalities, different upbringings, different priorities. However, regardless of whatever the dynamics might be, we must strive to coincide. We must put forth the effort to make us able to coexist, and truly become a family unit.

This goes for every facet of the family...immediate families, new couples just starting out, large families, young families...it's all the same. And with that, we are all faced with a similar choice. Is it worth it? Family plays such a huge role in the gospel and to our Heavenly Father, that our answer must always be, 'yes, it is worth it'.

We may not always get along, heck, we may not always like each other for that matter, but we are stuck with one another regardless. So why then, is it so difficult to put for the effort in trying to get along? Making family work can be one of the most grueling and difficult challenges we will ever have to face...but also the most rewarding. I see as our own family grows, and our own personal families grow even larger, expanding now to include yet another generation, the difficulties continue. But, maybe, just maybe, if we stop periodically to search out the good instead of focusing on our flaws, the question of 'is it worth it?' won't be so daunting.

So with that being said, to all my family, each and every one of you...I love you and I am glad you are my family, flaws and all, and thank you for accepting mine.

Nutrition

Leo eats very well. It has never been much of an issue for us. Even when I stopped breastfeeding, he latched onto a bottle without the slightest sign of distress. So now, suddenly, he has stopped eating. OK, not completely...but compared to his normal self. He almost completely skips lunch these days, maybe having only a few bites, and breakfast is hit and miss. Sometimes he eats, sometimes he doesn't.

My father in law, bless his heart, got Leo these yogurt drink things (yo on the go). Leo loves them. They are a little high in the sugar content, more than I like for him to have, but a least he's getting something nutritious from it, right?

Well today, his lunch consisted of 2 bites of chicken, some ketchup and a couple of croutons...is that as bad as I think it sounds?

I looked out the window

I looked out the window and what did I see? Not popcorn popping on the apricot tree, but I looked from my bedroom window down at my small little planter in my backyard. I call it my "garden". But as I stared out my window I couldn't help but notice how nicely the Mexican Sage I had transplanted seems to be doing now. It has grown some, and is beginning to fill out. Strangely, however, it got me thinking about the plant. About why it was so important to me, that above anything else, I plant sage in my backyard.

The sage that I planted came from a plant Mom had in her yard back at the house in Hacienda Heights. I always loved that plant, I loved the flowers when it bloomed....it's nothing spectacular, but I loved it. It reminds me of home. When Mom moved out, she took a piece of that plant to bring with her as she moved on to the next leg of her journey, she grew that piece up, and from it, she gave me a piece for my yard. It's come such a long way.

From that, though, it got me thinking about how far each of us has come, but especially my Mom. Starting as a young farm girl from Uruguay, poor as dirt, to become this marvelous woman, the mother of nine kids, 28 grandchildren, and 1 great-grandchild. She has stretched out her roots, just as the plant and come so very far. I hope to be like her one day.

Happy Mother's Day...

I just wanted to send a special Mother's Day greeting out to all the mother's in my life. Whether they be friends, sisters (SIL), Aunt's or my own Mother...Happy Mother's Day.

A special 1st mother's day wish goes to Iris. Welcome to the club! I hope you have such a special day, enjoy it to the fullest and know that I believe your own mother is with you on this day. I love ya!

Just a glimpse...

Today, Leo threw an all-out temper tantrum. Complete with throwing things, throwing himself on the floor, and a spanking...first he gave one to me, which quickly followed with one of his own. Boy that kid has a temper. He even threw my brand new bike down to the floor! Sheesh...

He's not even hit 2 years old yet. While he has thrown fits before, none quite were up to today's standard of excellence. It just gave me a glimpse of what lies before me in the next 18 months. Any suggestions on how to properly deal with tantrums? Most of you who read my blog are familiar with Badal tempers...and my boy has a Badal temper in the worst possible way.

Free At Last!

Dakota saw the Doctor this morning. Hip-Hip-Hooray...she's been discharged. He has now put her on house arrest, but hey, that is better than solitary confinement. My girl is happy to be free, let me tell you. Boston Terriers are known for being very expressive. When they are happy, you literally can see the smile across their face. I haven't seen Dakota smile in quite some time, so today, when I looked down at her, and saw a HUGE grin, I was only too happy.

She has to serve 1-week on house arrest. She is free to wander and do as she pleases inside the house, but because her and Memphis rough-house so much, they are not yet allowed to be together. It's been fun for me so far, I have always wanted my girls to be inside dogs, but Leonard doesn't exactly care for that idea. He has no problem allowing them inside to sleep at night, but he feels dogs belong outside. Which is fine, we find a happy medium and everything is cool, but for the next week, I get to have my way thanks to doctor's orders. It's been so cute, because she follows me everywhere, and as I type this post, she is sleeping at my feet.

Sadly, she will have to take joint medication for the remainder of her life. On the bright side though, this should be the last time we will have to go through this (hopefully) and now she will live a relatively normal life.