The anniversary of my Dad's death, is not actually for another week. But it was 4 years ago today that he had his stroke. It is today, that I feel as though I lost him. It is today, that I sit and watch the clock and remember with perfect clarity all that transpired.I used to be so angry...angry that he stopped taking his medication because he thought he could cure himself. I was so angry that it was me who had to find him in that condition. I was angry that I carried around so much guilt because I couldn't save him. Lastly, I was so angry about all that he was going to miss.
I'm not so angry anymore. I just ache for him, and sadly, that isn't even what it used to be. They say that time heals all wounds, and it does. I have even been able to look back now, and I can't say that I'm grateful for the experience, because I'm just not there yet, but, I am, however, in understanding of it. I have finally been able to reflect upon it enough, and digest all the pieces that from that experience I have begun to learn. I can accept the fact now, that I couldn't save him...it was never meant to be. I can also forgive myself for not having been there earlier for him and take solace in the fact that I was there for him when he needed me.
Mostly now, I am just left with sadness. I am sad that he never saw me truly well. He only saw me struggling. He never got to see me become a mother, and never got to see my son. I look at Leo when he plays with my Mom and I thank God everyday that at least he has her. She makes up for the both of them. It doesn't change the fact that I still wish he could be here. He has missed so much...births, weddings, and graduations, the list goes on.
I do realize the separation is temporary. I know I'll see him again, and I look forward to that day. I look forward to the day when I can tell him how sorry I am for all that I made him suffer. As a parent, I am only beginning to understand what I put him through. But for now, and for years to come, I will miss him...and today, I will always remember him.
5 comments:
Dear Lizzy, I am so glad you have remembered too. I have thought so much about dad lately. I remember what transpired four years ago with vivid clarity. I just want to correct you on one thing. He did see you change, maybe not as much as you would have wanted, but he saw it. Dad and I had many talks about you, even up to the week we lost him. He would cry when he would talk about how good you were doing and about what a great man you married. I don't believe he has missed the births or the weddings also, we just can't see him.
I love you very much, and thank you for remembering.
Love, Spencer
How interesting that you wrote this today. Your dad has been comiing to my mind a lot today & yesterday.
I hope you know he does SEE you now. He's present even though we can't see him. I often feel he is near us taking us all in. I felt him at Kailey's wedding.
I'm sorry you had to go through so much grief, but I get that you get it. I love you Lizzie. There are no words to describe how special you are. You are really an incredible & amazing human being. A beloved daughter.
I too found it interesting that you wrote about Dad today, as he was in my mind today too. Juan and I went to Brian Head this weekend, and there is a little cemetary at the bottom of the mountain. Being Memorial Day, there were so many people there with flowers, and flags. I was thinking about him and how close we are to his 4th year anniversary, and how much I missed him. I believe that he has been there for every event in the family. He would not miss any of it! I also know that he is very proud of you and all that you have become, the wonderful mother and wife that you are, and the beautiful person that you have always been! I know that he smiles down on us, and loves all the things that are going in our lives. :)
What a beautifully written, honest post. I'm so sad for you that, by virtue of being the youngest of 9, you lost your dad so early. I'm glad that time is starting to heal wounds, but I'm not sure it ever will completely, at least not until you see him on the other side.
I remember when you had problems getting pregnant with Little Leo you said that Abuelo was just playing with him too much--I totally believe that's true :) And he was there at Jonathan's blessing, by the way. I don't know if John ever told you that story. He sees you, and I would bet a million bucks that he is incredibly proud of you.
BTW: I LOVE the photo. You both look so HAPPY. It is a very ENDEARING picture of the two of you.
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