Growing and growing

When LL was first born, I used to be so amazed as each couple of weeks I would realize I somehow, miraculously managed to love him more and more. It got to the point where I could almost physically feel it happening inside of me, it just felt as though my heart was exploding. That feeling has long passed and I assumed I just loved him more than was humanly possible already and now we just get to enjoy watching his amazing growth and transformation into a young little man.

Then we hit the terrible two's and I kept hearing about the horrible three's and I realized life isn't always like those blissful early days of his life and some days I could seriously lock myself in the bathroom for a little "time out". LL being our first, I can already safely say, I've made tons of mistakes. Initially when we began disciplining I would just spank his little hand and that was enough. He quickly became immune to that and it just progressed into bigger spankings on his bottom. I didn't like that. I felt horrible about it and I began to see him hitting in return. I felt as though all I was doing was reinforcing that violence and hitting was okay and condoned in our home which just isn't the case.

So I decided to switch to using time-outs. That wasn't the answer either. Yes it works to an extent, it is a punishment and he doesn't like it but he doesn't learn anything from it. Then the other night I was really thinking about what is the best thing for him and I started reading my toddler books again and without finding an actual answer I did manage to find my own answer. I just decided to kill him with kindness, so to speak. I thought if I just stay totally calm, speak to him kindly, without anger in tone or voice maybe that would make more of an impact. He always like to be praised and he generally likes to please us, except for when he's feeling mischievous, I thought it was worth a shot.

The past few days have been so harmonious, and so enjoyable I've fallen in love just a little bit more again today. I felt my heart grow as I put him into his car seat after leaving the dry cleaners. Each time I place him in his car seat I always kiss him, but today I just had to smother him to death. I had to. As I smothered his little face all over with lots and lots of kisses he enjoyed it, and was giggling. When I finished he tells me, "Mas, Mommy" (which means 'more, mommy'). So again, I got to smother him and I loved it.

Then I found myself just staring at him as he played and realized I love this little guy more than anything in this whole world because without him, I would have no world and no life. It isn't always enjoyable or easy. I am not naturally equipped with tons of control or lots of patience, it is something I struggle to better develop each waking moment of every day but he's worth the effort.

Thanks LL for letting me love you...