I've been thinking a lot recently, about the challenges one faces in their lives, and especially my own checkered past. My life, though I'm not especially old, has been rough. I've seen a lot of things, a lot of them ugly, and I've had experiences that at times just made me feel old and worn. Living like I used to, you spend a lot of time feeling exhausted, because you're constantly at war, whether it be with your own self or just fighting to stay alive. I'm grateful not to feel that way anymore, but those are things that you carry with you forever.
Now that time has past and I've healed, I have begun to wonder, 'Why?' Why did I have to experience those things and what purpose does it serve me in this life? Experiences that I've had are things you just don't talk about openly, they are very personal, and you just don't go parading them around. People look at you a little differently when they learn certain things about you, even people in your own family. I have wondered what good can come of anyone ever knowing that about me, and often, I have no answers to that, so I just don't share it.
Then, there are days like yesterday, when I suddenly share that bit of information with a room full of virtual strangers and as the words leave my mouth I think to myself, 'Why in heaven's name did I just say that?' But I quickly learn that perhaps it was meant to be said, not for me, because it's never easy to admit that to anyone about myself, but because someone else can benefit from my experience.
Sadly, though, that's how it must be for everyone. To think that no one in this world, in your inner circle, or all the people who make up this life have not had challenges or experiences that have shaped them is foolishness. The thing is though, no one talks about these things, because as people, human nature makes us judgemental and mean. So to make yourself vulnerable, to admit your struggles is such a difficult thing, but in reality, people aren't as judgemental as we think (okay, some are, yes) and can really benefit from hearing we are all "human" and struggling too.
I don't know why I have been given my challenges, and I just hope that some day I can use my knowledge and experiences to help guide my boys in a positive direction and help them to grow to be good, well rounded, respectable human beings. That, for me, would make make it all worth it.
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3 comments:
I agree. So much harder to be open and honest with who and what you are (or were). BUT, the best things happen when we let people in. Because those that except us for who we are now and what made us that way, are the ONLY people we want in our lives. P.S. I don't look at you in any other way than my sister. Because you're amazing, and I wouldn't have you any other way.
Being open is a great thing. Shame suffocates our souls. However, I would "omit" that sentence of what you were for the sake of young readers. You've arrived at a place in your life where you are the ENVY of many! You have a wonderful & fun personality, heaven's knows you've got HOTTIE in your genes, your found a DREAM of a husband & you have 2 ADORABLE kids. You live in an AMAZING home & you drive nice cars & your have a choice family, in laws & friends!
Being real & being open without being specific can still translate to others what your want to convey. I personally didn't really know exactly what your challenges were. I always knew you were having a hard time. I definately SAw & SEe the changes in who you are & what you used to be. I think that's what I love so much about the Gospel of Christ beause His real goal for us is what we've become in the moment of truth! You are truly a living MIRACLE. I love you so much & I want to apologize for not always being kind to you as a kid, I think if you felt more unconditional love from those of us judging your behavior rather than giving you what you really needed, you'd have been spared alot of grief.
The interesting thing about your life is that the CORE of who you are has always been a SWEET, FUN, & GENEROUS SPIRIT! I think we all want to FEEL truly LOVED & worth the time of day & when we don't feel that, our ability to LOVE OURSELVES is diminished because of how we percieve other's behavior towards us. I'm going on & on & on ....it's 3 am sorry. LOVE YOU.
I think our trials are often about building compassion, empathy, and charity as much as they are about turning our weaknesses into strengths.
I don't know why you had to have those particular challenges, but I do know they'll help you as a mother and as a support to your family and friends. (There's a reason my brothers and I tell you everything, and it's not because you've been there; it's because you love us no matter where we are.)
To quote one of my favorite movie lines: "You're not really a leader until you've lost."
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